Midnight Mass

Note to self – have all your Christmas shopping done BEFORE Christmas Eve in future. Especially if you live in Bromley, as (unfortunately) I do. To say that the majority of the people that live there are morons, imbecils and monstrously common would be a drastic understatement.

I decided that socks might be a tad unoriginal for Dad’s Christmas present. Not that he hasn’t enjoyed opening the same gift for the last six years I’m sure but still, I felt that it would be only fair to ring the changes. Add to that the fact that I was able to pinch a twenty from mother’s purse when she was asleep this afternoon, and I was suddenly feeling quite generous. So I decided to buy the old boy a decent looking shirt for weekend wear. Dad’s never really embraced the “relaxed” look, favouring a blazer and tie, even on a Saturday afternoon. So I thought a damn trendy rugger shirt would go down a storm and be an easy choice for me. Perhaps it would be if I lived somewhere pleasant. Some appealing market town in the shires perhaps. But no. I had to spend my hard “borrowed” cash in Bromley’s Discount Madhouse (obviously I wanted there to be a decent amount of change for me to buy a small treat for myself). The atmosphere in there was similar to how I imagine things were when the Herald of Free Enterprise was a 900 yards out of Zeebrugge. Panicked, and full of ghastly people who’d probably been drinking too much. An hour later I made it to the cash tills and was able to get out but not without sustaining some severe mental scarring. No, I shall not be choosing to buy in Bromley when the time comes for me to purchase an abode of my own…

Ralph and I are heading to midnight mass now. Chiefly to be warmed by communion wine before starting on his father’s port. Bring it on!

Phone Fear

HAVE to finish Christmas shopping this morning or I am seriously dead meat. Shouldn’t be too much of a chore but it’s still a pain. Why should I have to buy anyone gifts anyway? It’s not like I’m earning any money, and besides the fact that I can’t afford to buy anything, I show my parents ample love and respect during the rest of the year… Oh well, needs must I suppose.

I tried to call Zoe this morning but her mum said that she wasn’t in. I was seriously annoyed. It had taken me the best part of two hours to pluck up the courage to dial the number in the first place. I kept staring at the numbers on the keypad and then hanging up. All that stress for nothing. Her mum asked who was calling and stupidly I didn’t leave my name. It would have been the perfect get out clause for having to ring her again. Now I’m going to have to call back and go through the hideous fear all over again or she’s going to think I haven’t made the effort. Mind you, I don’t see why she isn’t just as obliged to call me too. That’s women for you I guess. I’d better get used to this..

Ralph said that Devin is panicking that Abby Mac might be pregnant. I’m sure he’s fussing about nothing. She’s not stupid enough to have done anything without protection. Devin’s such a nerd he probably doesn’t realise that using a jonnie pretty much protects you from the worst case scenario. Part of me hopes she IS pregnant. That would make for some LEGENDARY gossip at school after Christmas. How fantastic. The two squarest people in school being teen parents. CLASSIC! Christmas Eve tomorrow.. I hope I’ve got some good presents otherwise there’ll be Hell to pay.

GIRLFRIEND!!

Just got home. WHAT A NIGHT!! Probably the best party that there has ever been on Planet Earth. Such a bloody riot. It was LEGENDARY! Of course I was way too bloody drunk to pop my cherry but the good news is that Zoe Hall is officially my girlfriend. Oh yes! I might not have said this in the past but Zoe Hall is officially the best looking girl in school, without a shadow of a doubt. Lindsay Joyner was even at the party and I didn’t give her a second glance. Neither did she to be fair. Robin was still trying his hardest to get his knob in but she was totally disinterested. She’s probably a bloody lezzer. She doesn’t seem to be interested in any of the chaps, no matter how “good looking” everyone else thinks they are. Either that or she’s TOTALLY frigid.

AND Abby MacKenzie shagged Devin Whitfield!! Fair play to the lad cos he’s a total loser but then on the other hand she’s a massive square. Still, a shag is a shag and I have to bow to the man who gets his end away before I do! I don’t suppose he’ll enjoy the aftermath though. If he’s lucky it’ll be considered old news by the time we get back to school after the holidays.

So me and Zoe snogged for an HOUR and then she let me touch her boobs, UNDER the bra!! Get in!! It was weird. They felt less spongy than I was expecting but that’s probably a good thing. She said that if her parents weren’t coming home she would definitely have been up for a shag. She even touched my bare nuts. It was AMAZING. I don’t know how I’m going to be able to concentrate on A-levels now..

Sisterly Chats

Sal called this morning at breakfast. She said that she wanted to meet me in town “for a chat”. Bloody typical hormonal woman. We met in the Mona Lisa Café in Medhurst's. What a bloody dive. Apart from us the clientele was made up entirely of elderly ladies in plastic raincoats. It was monumentally depressing, not least as Sal wanted to have a massive rant at me for not calling her to congratulate her on her engagement to knobface. I tried a half-hearted apology but it didn’t wash so then I informed her that I had been far too busy with my A-level mocks and said she wouldn’t understand as she never bothered with higher education. That went down like a cup of cold sick but I was riled. It wasn’t my fault. She called me a bastard, I called her self-obsessed and then she cried. After that everything was fine. Giving her hand a trusty squeeze was all it took.

She at least realises that her in-laws are the gippos from Hell. Apparently Ian’s uncle is currently doing time for car theft. They say they don’t speak to him anymore but still, it doesn’t bode well gene wise for my potential nieces and nephews. I don’t really want relatives who are going to be inclined to steal from me in the future. Especially as I’m bound to be extremely rich and successful and have all the things that they can only dream of.

After over an hour of her her her, she finally asked me about my social life and I decided to tell her about tonight’s party. To her credit she actually seemed genuinely excited for me. I didn’t mention the whole sex thing though I did say that there was a girl who was interested in me. Annoyingly this just made her laugh. Shortly after that I made my excuses and left. Managed to pick up some discounted perfume for Mother. I hope she likes it. It smells a bit like lavender which I’m sure old women love..

Now I need to go to that chemists and then get ready. Only six hours to go…

Grannie Drive

Naturally, it being a Sunday, Grannie B and Grannie H came over for their weekly feed. Mother was on surprisingly good form. Though that might have been because Dad was at the office all morning. And possibly something to do with the early opening of a new bottle of sherry. But she made a fabulous roast lamb. Grannie B didn’t even complain about the consistency of the gravy which meant that Mother stayed in a good mood all afternoon.

I was allowed to drive the old dears home at teatime, accompanied by Dad. You could see the whites of their knuckles as they gripped onto the door handles on the back seat. Nothing like having a bit of confidence in their favourite grandson…

I am seriously behind on Christmas shopping now. I think my attention is being distracted by constantly moving from excitement to abject terror at the prospect of tomorrow night’s party. (still no jonnies). I am ABSOLUTELY DEFINITELY going to pick some up from that chemist up the road tomorrow morning. I don’t care who’s serving. I’m seventeen for Christ’s sake. It’s not like it’s illegal. And anyway, people should be applauding the fact that I’m making sure to take the necessary precautions. I realise I’m jumping the gun slightly. It occurred to me that Zoe and I haven’t actually spoken about “us” yet. But still, I’m reasonably confident that after a couple of vodka and orange juices she’ll be fair game..

Ralph’s making a CD mix to play when we get there. Slightly pissed off that she didn’t ask me to do it but also relieved. I’ll freely admit that I have a “different” taste in music to a lot of people at school. But that’s just a sign that I have much BETTER taste than they do.

The Witch

Sometimes I think Mother reckons I’m still ten years old, the things she asks me to do. This morning I have had to go to round all the houses on the street and deliver the neighbours their Christmas cards. It’s such a load of nonsense that she gives them cards anyway. Half of them she can’t even stand. There’s one woman in particular who I also find most peculiar. In fact I don’t doubt that had we been living 400 years earlier she’d probably have been tried as a witch.

I remember a couple of Christmases ago (actually it was probably more like six, but they’re all sort of blurring now) Dad and Mother invited most of the street over for Christmas drinks on the 23^rd. Loads of people came. Corin and Lydia next door are damn good eggs and they were on fine form. Their daughter Samantha is also particularly fine looking, though she is older than me and therefore totally uninterested.. Anyway, Janis (that’s the witch’s name) came round with her husband Horatio (I kid you not) and proceeded to tell Mother that she was “letting the front garden go”. Horatio apologised at once (I imagine he is terribly hen pecked) and explained that Janis had been “feeling under the weather” for some time. A little later I saw her coming out of Dad and Mother’s bedroom. Christ only knows what she’d been up to in there but before I could say anything she was downstairs informing Mother that I had been spying on her in the bathroom! Utterly insane. I protested my innocence at which point she stormed off. I still think Mother is unsure which of us to believe which I find quite galling.. Anyway, it should go without saying that I didn’t put their Christmas card through their letterbox. Instead I put it in the bin.

En Suite

Christ, the holidays really are the dog’s bloody bollocks. Got up at 11:30 today. Turns out I must have needed a damn good kip as I didn’t wake up until then. Not once. And I went to bed before midnight last night. Still tired to be honest but I need to crack on with some Christmas shopping sharpish. Can’t believe it’s only a week away..

My report had arrived this morning. The words from the powers that be were not exactly full of praise. Dad described my report as a curate’s egg. When I looked at him like he was mad he explained that a curate’s egg was only good in parts and, as such, you probably wouldn’t want to eat any of it. He sort of laughed though and then informed me that it was my “future to mess up” if I wanted to. Thanks Dad.

Mother had her ladies over after lunch so I got a lift with Dad into town and met up with Ralph. We soon realised that we were rather bored of each other’s company and decided to not see each other before the party on Monday. I passed a tiny chemists on the walk home and went in to see if they sold the you-know-whats. The good news is they do. The bad news is that the only person who seems to work in there is a woman who appears to be in her late sixties. I might have to have a small toke of voddie before I go in again and ask her to hand them over..

Just going to chill and watch some TV tonight. I’m moving into Sal’s old room which is cool as it’s got a TV and a sink. The sink is basically an en suite bathroom if you think about it. The only thing I can’t do in a sink is have a dump.