How Not To Pass A Driving Test

So my life is officially over. Yesterday did not go well. It started brilliantly of course. I sat quite happily in the waiting room at the driving test centre. I had fully evacuated my bowels half an hour earlier and felt at one with myself. A curious little man called Leonard called my name and we went out to the car park where I read a distant number plate with amazing accuracy. Even Leonard looked impressed. It was going to go well.

We proceeded to the Nissan Micra that was to be my test vehicle. On entering the car I made sure he watched as I adjusted the mirrors and buckled up securely. “When you are ready, please start the engine” he said, in a thin, working class Maidstone accent. The engine fired up as I turned the key and looked at Leonard, awaiting further instruction. “Please proceed to the car park exit and turn left onto the main road”.

Now here’s the thing. I’m not a risk taker. Never have been. The most adventurous thing I’ve ever done is slide down the stairs in a sleeping bag and that took five nightmare ridden sleeps to get over, so I’m not one to gamble with my safety. It was with a great deal of fore-thought, then, that I decided to pull into the road from the car park. Yes, there was a post office van heading in my direction but it was AT LEAST one hundred yards away. Leonard didn’t agree. He emitted a surprising roar of angst as I turned onto the high street, quickly followed by the words “What the HELL are you doing??!”

The jig was up. I indicated left and pulled over at the kerb before switching off the engine. I could feel my pulse racing. A vein I’d never been aware of before seemed fit to burst out of my forehead. “Get the fuck out of the car”. I heard the words. I just didn’t realise it was me who had said them. Poor Leonard looked rather shocked for a few seconds. Then he quietly placed an “X” in the FAIL box on my test sheet and said quietly, “I have to inform you that you have not passed the test on this occasion”. He peeled off the sheet of paper and handed it to me, before getting out of the car.

One day I might find this whole incident amusing, but right now I am trying to find a way of convincing everyone that it was all Leonard’s fault..